[ texts come in with a sliiight bit more delay as he totally rereads each one to make sure he's not spilling the contents of his questionable mind, trying to wrap his head around what exactly is going on. ]
It's not that! I feel fine [ if by fine he means dickmatized or whatever the equivalent is, for girlboss purposes. ] But as you can see I seem to be compelled to Hmm Speak my mind, or text as it were To a very blunt degree [ ................ actually-- ] Actually now that I've said that I have the vague feeling you could use this against me but it's too late for me to take that back now is it
I don't have any interest in using short shorts against you, Venti.
( and yanno, in the space of these first few days of curses, it doesn't quite hit clarke yet that she might be subject to the same compelling factors. safety isn't a strong sentiment felt anywhere on board the ship, but up on the sports deck, after having run several laps in the pouring rain and chugged half a bottle of water before realizing her phone had lit up — some tightly held sentiments slip through the cracks. )
I don't want to upset Mizuki.
( true but. hey fingers what the fuck. )
But I like knowing I made such a strong impression on you.
The one who keeps putting up flyers? I never talked to him, but from reading these it seems like he's into playing pretend. [Pirate, matchmaker, therapist...] So small wonder the captain's into that.
Sounds like a chance, though. If the captain plays along and there are people around, maybe it will be less of a risk.
[Not completely risk free, though. Never that. Honestly, just a chance to approach when he's already out is enough.]
( oh man, her first real opportunity to shit talk stede bonnet and there's literally nothing that can stop clarke from furiously typing — )
He's a fucking idiot.
I told him, I tried to tell him. Forcing friendships and romantic feelings that can just be turned around to hurt us later is probably the worst thing anyone could do here. And it's like he doesn't hear a thing I say. He told me I needed to relax and I just
( UGH. )
I thought joining his stupid little group would have something, anything to do with waging a seafaring mutiny, but it's just been a waste of time. I'd quit, if it weren't for Darcy. And Diana. And all the people Bonnet might get hurt peddling his flawed ideals.
...And the Captain, I guess.
( chill, clarke. not calm down, but chill. )
So far it seems like he plays along. I even tried to start a fight last time, and he more or less waved me off. So, yeah, that's a starting point.
[ clarke in the rain....... bye. bye right now especially because, ] Oh winds and stars you have it too me too by which I mean i don't want to upset him either and strong impression is ONE way to put it you sure were strong in shoving my head down and
[ he throws the phone away like a hot potato WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. what happened to trying to double check his texts. he's more used to acting before thinking and it's biting him in the ass in the worst possible way, aka the least sexy sexts of all time, which this doesn't even count as. ]
( in the rain, in longer shorts but still shorts, preemptively worked up in the way that sends a black tinged flush creeping up her throat and spread across her cheeks. if he ever deigns to pick up his phone again, unfortunately the clusterfuck of freely given truths mixed with unwilling admissions continues.
what she means to say: i cannot do this. what comes out: )
I want to see your wings again.
( she's late to the doublechecking of texts game, but when she does it's like the words she'd meant to send melt before her eyes into horrifying, gut wrenching textual manifestations of ideas clarke hadn't even allowed herself to consciously think. so, a reckless second attempt.
meant vs sent.
i can't talk to you right now. )
I still want to believe in you.
( and third time's the charm, where what she's trying to say is abject honesty and comes out as such. because there's seldom a moment where clarke griffin isn't — )
( it's a selfish sort of preemptive delight, but she wants to see stede bonnet try to persuade natsuno yuuki to relax and live a little. like how people stop and stare at a car crash, or find a weird sort of satisfaction watching others trip. maybe she's not so vindictive as to seek to see stede humbled by holding someone important to him while they bled out, but she's very much here for watching the showdown between one man's fantasy and the immovable stubbornness of too-serious teenagers. )
That's our plan then. Read books, figure out Highlander, talk to Skulduggery, and corner the Captain at the next pirate gathering and just... See what we can figure out.
[ he'd kind of had a vague idea in his head that maybe... maybe he can just text clarke. maybe if mizuki doesn't want him to be around her that's fine and understandable enough, they can still text. he's still intent on providing air support if needed if she wanted to try to break the captain open again, but otherwise he supposes he doesn't have to be around her right? just looking at her in booty shorts in camp had fucked with him. #justfuckboyproblems apparently, maybe a problem that can't be solved until death. how can one asshole be this bad at a relationship??? tune in to find out!!!
he picks up the cell and is blasted with that and the wind rattles all the bottles in the bar he's in. oh, great. great great great. he's a rather selfish type but he doesn't actually like to demand or ask things of people, he values others' freedoms to make their own decisions and choices. he never asked anyone to pray to him.
he remembers what he told mizuki, he wanted to show her how to worship him.
he wants he wants he wants... in the absence of all the prayers from his country, the prospect of her faith was tempting as sin. let's type very carefully now and not be a fucking disaster for once or at least try. ]
It's fine. Don't apologize You know that I'm dating Mizuki. Don't you think less of me now that I've been with you?
[ it is actually something he's curious about, he'd lowkey wondered if she'd ditch him like jinx did. ]
( ah, so it's him. so nervous she'd take advantage of complete and total honesty, begrudging and unwilling honesty, but useful — only to turn around and be the first who uses the moment to slake his own curiosity.
the compelling nature of this curse is to put truths in front of the facade of lies. nothing is forcing her to text back and answer, that's her own horrible choice. and suddenly it's a competition on self loathing, putting two borderline sadomasochists in a proverbial room and providing whips to self flagellate. )
I No? I should have known. I saw the two of you together. ( had held mizuki after venti had melded into the air and left the two of them in the cabin. she'd thought less of him for that, but this? ) But then we died. And I saw him with Ebalon at the party and, after what he did to you, I figured Mizuki chose. I don't... understand what you three have.
( is the 100 progressive enough that no one gives a rip who you choose to love and bed? sure, everybody's basically a pansexual. but polyamory isn't a norm and if she'd known... well, clarke would have still knelt. might have even still bitten the scab on her lip and thought about it in a moment of weakness, feeling utterly trodden over by their circumstances, but. that would have been it. )
And I didn't mean to wreck it. I am sorry.
But it's not the first time I've done it.
( cue the flashback to banging finn collins and then standing to the side later that day when he embraced the girlfriend she'd never been told about. that'd hurt, like the first time always does. but she hadn't ditched him either. resented him, been angry with him, rejected every loving sentiment and stonewalled when he said he loved her next — you broke my heart — but still slid a knife between his ribs to spare him torture and a prolonged death. still held him as he died on her shoulder and whispered you're going to be okay as he bled out on her shirt.
her shirt is now currently drenched in rainwater still, and another unbidden truth follows promptly. )
I ruin everything I touch. And I should have expected it, so this one's on me.
It's not your fault. [ that message comes in near instantly after her last. whatever he might cursedly say under truth, this much is the most important to say. ] It really is nobody's but mine. Please don't apologize and say you ruin things. I think that's far more accurate to me.
[ ....... ] I suppose that sounds very self pitying but I do think it's true. [ stupid, stupid honesty!!! well, it is true! jinx can be much happier without him he's sure. cool cool cool. no doubt mizuki would too but they're kind of in a tangled web here aren't they. ]
I also thought he'd chosen, back at the dinner party. I don't quite blame Ebalon for killing me. It was a killing game after all, I'm more upset with what he'd done to my friend and of course he had attacked Dr Watson and Yuuki. But I can tell the two of them care for each other and they surely suit each other and understand each other more than Mizuki and I do. Still I admit It felt very lonely. I tried to turn down Mizuki twice before accepting him but I already know I did so for selfish reasons. People should surely love who they want to love but I already know I'm unsuited for it. Well, I'd really rather not think about it though. I'd really rather drink my brains out until I pass out. [ ha hahah hahaha healthiest coping mechanisms go!! it never fails him though, so!! ] But yes, I don't suppose even I understand truly what we have. I'm just sorry I came to you and
You likely know, you're very irresistible in a lot of ways. It seems even I'm not spared. [ and he'll admit, he usually does what he wants. he'd tasted a hint of that worship from her--and then wanted more. ]
( an important clarification, still fiercely proud her lil vampire buddy roasted the moon magic madman like a marshmallow. still furious he had to be stabbed through by spears to get close enough, but mostly fierce fierce fiercely approving. but then —
ew, another tangent of absolution.
and ugh, further compliments. two things clarke has absolutely no idea what to do with and always leave her feeling small and awkward, the chink in the armor of her conviction. like tapping a tree, but instead of sap threatening to spill, it's sentiment and staunch refusal, self loathing and truths ripped painfully from the deepest compartmentalized portions of her mind. she bites her tongue.
but between those two rankling sentiments, venti pours a great deal of honest emotion into text, and. she has to ask. has to ask, like she'd asked mizuki why he chose to stay after their mutual godly fuckboi hurt his feelings so severely... )
Then why are you staying?
If you've been hurt — murdered, specifically — and you feel lonely, if you're not cut out for the sort of love Mizuki wants, if you don't fully understand the relationship you've landed in, and if you know you're just being selfish...
Why put anyone through that?
( mizuki, first and foremost. himself secondly. even ebalon, ew. and now clarke too, as some shitty tangent. )
Yeah, neither scenario is exactly great. The whole story of Highlander is a bunch of immortals going around, cutting off each other's heads until there's only one left standing. Some of the crappiest movie swordplay I've ever seen...
[ he cannot fucking believe he's spilling his guts like this, these stupid truths!! why is this happening for real??? and yet, yet... there's something so painfully freeing about confiding in her like this, when he would so much more often bottle things up and indulge in bottles than anything actually like seeking help. this may as well be something like a confessional even to the worst ex-god. ]
Because Like I said, I did already try to turn him down twice. I'll wholly admit, I didn't carry out the rejections well and he didn't handle them well as a matter of fact i handled them so poorly rafaela had to hunt me down and kill me i even have a picture of my own severed head for it and i have no idea how to get rid of it and i feel like dying whenever i see it i
[ okay, this truth thing is THE ABSOLUTE WORST. why why why why. he could be so thoughtless not only with confessions and rejections but apparently also with a complete disaster of text like this. and yet he'd kept that painful first death a secret for so long, he hadn't told anyone, it'd practically festered in him. ]
oh for fu please don't read that [ like that's even possible. maybe he can jump off this ship and die, again. ]
( she'd had a spiel prepared, one that didn't even require any truth curse filtering because it was pretty straight forward and revolved around the fact that — i'm not hearing that you're staying because you want to.
but fuck the curse honestly, it's suddenly and aggressively overridden by absolute incredulity and just — )
What?
She did what?
And you have a what, just like on your phone?
That isn't a normal response, even to a shitty, gut wrenching breakup. That's psychotic. I just Does Mizuki know about this one too?
cw for suicidal thoughts and i guess mention of decapitation belatedly
[ ...... well in retrospect she's not wrong, clarke is right, it was kind of psychotic. but at that time he'd lowkey or highkey been suicidal and out of his mind in one of the worst ways and even now thinking back to that is like trying to vaguely recall a bad dream.
or a nightmare that his mind instinctively reels from. ]
no, he doesn't. don't tell him she did kill you too I can't blame her for this or even her for doing what she did on the island [ they were so disorganized after all. they were told to kill one another and some of them simply did so. she at least tried to do so mercifully, he could tell that much. even killing him as relatively painlessly as she did. ]
but
it still hurt but what hurt more is how much i hurt him
( clarke literally could not give less than a flying fuck about bad cinematic combat, her head is just too full of swirling thoughts about immortality and beheading and just... what.
what is she supposed to do with this information? )
So... yeah, exactly like another Battle Royale.
( but then thinking back more diligently to what she'd read from skulduggery. )
Or there's multiple versions of each of us. Different moments on a timeline.
Our lives... Our worlds just continue. And even though we're trapped here on this ship, we're somehow still back home at the same time, like nothing happened. And if he messes up and brings more than one version of us here, the other just gets erased?
( it hadn't felt like mercy when la pluma missed and she'd been left shivering and bleeding out in natsuno's arms. it was shock and adrenaline that had shielded clarke from a majority of the pain, not anything the other woman had done out of the twisted version of goodness in her heart.
but, on the heels of the swell of anger in her chest, clarke can see how their situations may have been different. she'd at least gotten the gratification of watching la pluma torn to literal shreds just out of the range she could focus dying eyes. venti'd had... nothing. not even the catharsis of crying about it with mizuki later. that's... so fucked up. that's wrong, that's, it's — )
...this isn't what love is supposed to look like, Venti. It's not supposed to be a back and forth of hurt, punctuated by a few special moments. It'll just continue being like that if you don't put your foot down and make it stop.
[ it was a kind of misery heavy enough that he simply does not think of it. things are fine as long as he has alcohol, love of his life who will never let him down or desert him, or decapitate him, or... ]
Clarke I know I'm unsuited for it Perhaps it's true that I should try again to turn him down for certain but even I don't have the heart for that Actually I wouldn't be surprised if Ebalon would try to kill me whether for that or anything else particularly how I last left him
[ h aha haha he would deserve it. he knows this. he does feel like he deserved the first one. why is this such a mess??? this is why love is a fucking scam and fuckbuddies is the way to go, surely clarke gets it. ]
We don't have to talk about it, I've realized I've vented about this unexpectedly and I didn't mean to This curse or disease or whatever it is really is formidable
Page 23 of 53