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[ ... ]

You're right.

[ He bows his head very slightly, then meets her gaze once more. ]

I'm sorry. I made a mistake. [ He is supposed to just listen. She's right, she's right, she's right. He can't let his stupid trauma get in the way like that again. That's not her burden to bare. Mizuki's not supposed to cause problems, he's supposed to be the tool to fix them. It's his job to protect, but not get in the way and those are sometimes really hard to do simultaneously, but at that point... isn't that his fault if he can't.

His hands shake, but he keeps his gaze. ]

I won't disobey you next time.

( ask her any other time, under any other circumstances and after any other crisis, and clarke's response would have been wildly different. idealistic, affectionate even. she understands — she understands — that pushing drive to protect everyone and everything you've ever loved; everything that smells like home, every strand of light that promises a brighter future. if mizuki had done this to anyone else, clarke wouldn't have faulted him for his actions.

but this is the moment they have. right here, in this hallway. )

This isn't about obedience, it's about respect.

( reckless death wishes ought to be respected, right? again, any other circumstance, and she'd want mizuki to continue making his own choices. this time they'd just collided against her own, and that can't stand. )

You called me heroic, but you can't trust me to make my own calls?

It's not... [ Mizuki's brows knit together. ] I was... compromised. I let my own guilt get in the way of orders.

[ The hand that she ripped herself from idly starts to tug on his rain poncho. He's trying really hard to figure out what the right things to say here are. He feels like... well, a little bit like jelly right now, actually. He just wants to lie down and apologize because he doesn't know what the right thing to do is. He thought that was the right thing to do. He should protect Clarke and he didn't even do that right. ]

But I do trust you. I trust your calls and I trust you to make the right decisions. And I know my word doesn't hold a lot of water now, but I need you to believe me when I say that... in that specific instance, I wasn't... myself.

( there's a lull in the argument on clarke's end. a beat, a moment to breathe heavy around every accusation she'd thrown at him and finally watch how they've settled. the lines in mizuki's shoulders read of defeat and abject sorrow, and it's hard not to take that as an unspoken thread of honesty. he struggles to meet her burning eyes, and twists his fingers against himself like a scolded child seeking some positive contact that doesn't hurt the same way the words do.

but reading a person and taking what they offer at face value doesn't do much to stomp out her anger. )

If that wasn't you, what was it?

( she means generally — what was that side of you, mizuki? but... yes, at some point she'd like an explanation about the void black tentacles. )

Why'd it happen?

[ There's a laugh. Short. Harsh. Pained. ]

Miss... [ ... ] Pirate Jenny stirred some rather... old memories. That of a very young Aegir who lost his family and hometown to a group of pirates.

[ He teeters a bit. ]

And he was very intent on not letting it happen again.

( it will always, always be hard to look someone in the eye and tell them what they'd lost isn't a justification for their actions. sometimes it's necessary, but at least in this moment... it doesn't feel like it is. he's sufficient cowed, wallowing and disassociating enough to retreat to third person and horrid memories. clarke doesn't gentle in her admonishments, her face is still tight lipped and stern.

but there's an edge to her words. carefully measured, coaching. dipping back into their hypotheticals, but with a thread more conviction. )

I'm not going to say you have to get over that. You never do, that's going to hurt for the rest of your life. But you have to learn how to look past it in the moment.

[ Mizuki continues to shift his weight from foot to foot, using his umbrella as a balance as he tries to find some kind of comfort in the movement. Something to keep him stable and in the moment and focused on... something that isn't just his thoughts. For this moment, he doesn't say anything. His instinct is to apologize again, but... ]

[ Eventually, he manages to slap on a smile. The usual, cheery one. She at least doesn't seem mad anymore. So maybe she understands? Maybe Mizuki doesn't need to be so anxious? Maybe he still has a chance to prove his use? ]

I know. Hence why I said I made a mistake. I didn't realize how bad it would be, my bad! But I've learned, so it won't happen again. I'll even be more prepared next time! I'll stay by you, and I'll keep you safe, and I'll be your anchor in the storm.

[ His teetering finally stops. ]

And anything that tries to get close, I'll tear to pieces.

( wow, if that isn't the most dishonest coping mechanism of a smile she's ever seen. )

Mizuki —

( equal parts an address, and a warning. slathered with the same tone disapproving dog owners use when their dog starts to gnaw on the furniture. clarke's never had a dog, but if she did and it continually offered to bite dangerous strangers for her...

well, what was the line between praise and rebuke? )

I'm not asking that of you. Can't it be enough that I promise I'll tell you if I need help? And that I know I could trust you to follow through if I asked?

[ Coping mechanism? Sure. Dishonest, though? Assuredly not. While he might still have some tangled feelings of guilt, he is genuinely happy that Clarke is so willing to give him a second chance. And even more so when she essentially says it outright. ]

Of course! If that is what you want me to do. You don't even need to promise that to me.

...That's not how this is supposed to work.

( he'd more or less asked if they could be friends before, right? confidants. allies. just because clarke inevitable reneged on promises to all her friends doesn't mean she's not viscerally aware that's not how it's supposed to go. promises aren't light things, oaths of services even less so. and even if she doesn't quite understand the scope of what mizuki offers her on a regular basis, the weight behind his words can't be ignored.

it's supposed to go both ways. )

You promise you'll listen to me when I tell you what I want, and I promise to always tell you what I want. Even when that means putting me back in the middle of a hurricane, you understand?

[ Being considered on equal footing is... a strange place to be. He doesn't mind it, of course. But he's also not entirely sure how to handle it. It's fine, though! He can adapt. Hopefully. ]

... Okay. I promise.

Okay. Good.

( and honestly, if this whole situation had gone a different way and flynn scifo had failed up on the sports deck, her anger would persist. a passing fury can easily become an all consuming grudge, and clarke griffin holds a grudge like no one's business. but her capacity for forgiveness runs just as wide; this had been a horrible miscommunication, hadn't it? but they're righted it. mizuki promises and despite constant let downs, clarke wants to believe him.

there's a beat. an appraising sweep of her gaze, an ounce of the tension dropping off her shoulders. the next words out of her mouth are still gruff and abrasive, but beneath the performance is a burning need to make sure they all made it out of this okay. )

Were you hurt out there?

Edited 2022-04-22 01:35 (UTC)

[ Mizuki sticks his arms out and does a little twirl to show himself off the best he can with his rain poncho covering most of him. ]

Nope. A little sore, but I'm okay. I tried to get as many...

[ His words sort of pitter out, and his gaze falls to the floor. Very slowly, his arms curl back in and settle over his umbrella handle again. ]

… But I hurt you. [ It isn't as if he'd forgotten about that. There was just... so much to think about, and... ] Are you- Does-

[ … ]

...I'm sorry.

( by this point, she has so many bruises and abbrasions all over her body that clarke couldn't even remember where most of them had come from. the split lip and gradually blackening eye aren't memorable, they only hurt when she touches them (or smiles, or talks, or eats, or blinks). so this second round of apology sorta... goes over her head.

clarke shrugs, leaning a little heavily on the frame of her doorway. )

I'll get over hurt feelings soon enough.

F-feelings, huh? [ That's not what he meant, but sure, okay. Thanks, Clarke. ] Please tell me you've been taking care of yourself, at least. I've met some magical healers on the ship. Maybe they can help you?

( feelings. feelings. "feelings"?

betrayal was a hurt feeling, abandonment right along with it. they sting more than any superficial scratch and took much longer to heal. she's also one of the ships many healers, just slotted right alongside john watson in having exactly zero magical recourse for bumps and bruises. )

I'm fine. Nothing's broken and I have acetaminophen.

[ Concerning. But he won't try to argue it anymore. He just nods. If she says she's fine, then she's fine, and Mizuki can accept that he just has to trust her.

Even if it's very clear that she's not fine. ]

… Thank you. For listening. For giving me another chance. I know that- I know I- [ Why are words so hard? ] I... appreciate it.

( but honest question, was clarke ever really fine?

she's leaning a little heavier against the doorframe here, still listening and sizing up every word out of mizuki's mouth, but the exhaustion is compounding. it'd been a shitty week, this had been a shitty situation they'd needed to discuss. at her core it doesn't feel rectified, but he's saying sorry over and over again, and... one slight didn't matter. compared to the rest of what they're facing, tiny squabbles were best put to bed and smothered. )

Earn it.

( hard words, followed by a harder sigh. know what else should be put to bed? )

I'm going to sleep now. But I'll see you around, Mizuki. Take care of yourself.

[ A nod. ]

Of course. If you need anything of me, don't hesitate.

[ And he leaves her with a wave. Does he feel good leaving it here? No. But he figures he doesn't have the luxury to try and press his luck. It's not like anything he wants to say is going to change anything, anyway.

This is a second chance. And he should suck it up and be happy about it. So he will. ]

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