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( shiptalk | direct messages | group messages | action )
( shiptalk | direct messages | group messages | action )
( shiptalk | direct messages | group messages | action )
( shiptalk | direct messages | group messages | action )
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well that's not good enough.
and she winces. once in remembrance of an old friend, twice in a sort of belated recognition of old roles being filled by newer faces, and a third time at how deeply that note strikes home. because rita is right. on all counts. and clarke not only has no reason to rebuke, but no desire to. )
quietly, almost as if to herself: ) I know. I know. It isn't convenient...
( then face turned up again, more properly addressing rita. similar to feeling like she doesn't deserve to offer comfort to the likes of ava or darcy in the wake of the lord vile murders, it feels awkward to ask: ) How is he?
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It's as maddening as it is painful.]
How do you think? He's suffering! [She doesn't even word it that way to be vindictive. It's simply the exact description that keeps rolling around in her brain: Natsuno is suffering, and there's nothing she can do to stop it.]
He's in pain, and even if he says it'll get better, I- [She stops short there, but the unspoken worry--that maybe he won't recover, that maybe he could be in permanent pain--is probably clear enough to Clarke.]
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clarke hears the part of her mind that suggests just killing him. hoping he'd wake up whole and unbothered by the side effects of injecting the sun el. it would be one of the worst things she'd ever done — because, yeah, in her mind she'd caused this mess and would be the one to clean it up — but at least natsuno wouldn't be sickly and hurting the way he is right now.
she shakes her head, as if to clear it. banish the thought. they're supposedly past the point where she'd offered him death in the arcade as a means of escape. )
It'll get better. He'll get better. ( all ground out through tightly gritted teeth. he has to. then, she looks up. )
Yell at me all you need to, Rita. Get it out of your system, but know there's nothing you can say I'm not already thinking. It's my fault, and you should be at his bedside right now.
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Don't--don't you think I don't know that already?! [Because she's definitely not leaving him alone like that for long.]
Yelling at you isn't even doing any good!
[A point which she still yells because volume control is hard when she's upset, and she's still so frustrated that she won't get a satisfactory explanation for why it happened in the first place. So, after a moment, she half-turns to head back to 109.]
Fine, but--just don't think wallowing in regret is going to magically undo anything, either!
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( and this is usually the time when sorrow and hurt fold in on themselves and harden into something akin to determination. this is usually the mid-point of a tearful meltdown where clarke chokes is all down and refocuses on the objective, regardless of the casualties. but instead, as she watches rita's retreating back, all she feels is a hollow sort of grief.
a few more days of wallowing feel necessary. she can't think of any way to move forward without natsuno at her side, and needs to know that's even a possibility before figuring out her next steps. he needs to get better and she — for the first time since venti disappeared — has the urge to get on her knees, prop up her elbows and just pray. surrender that need to control a situation, because obviously things never worked out when she tried.
the door to 108 slides closed after rita disappears across the hall. and for thinking she's all cried out, clarke still manages a few tears. )