skaikru | inbox @ comesailaway

[ Ugh. He doesn't want her to be upset, though! But he also doesn't want to keep telling her "no". Maybe this is how it's supposed to be? Maybe Clarke is telling him what to do here and he should just listen? It certainly doesn't feel right. ]

ok

[ Welcome back to the Okay Party. They live here. ]

i
I don't know
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to think or say or do I just know that I'm hurt
…
I'm really not upset with you, though. I want to stress that.

( just trust her is the easy explanation here, before having to examine how irreparably that trust has been broken. )

Then how about I hate myself enough for both of us right now, and you just don't say anything else on that matter?

( good? good. okay. )

And that way we can focus on you right now. Or... it doesn't have to be "we". I can give you space and let you figure out what it is you really think about all this first.

[ That's really not what he wants, either, but he doesn't really have the luxury to complain about it. Or, yes, he does, but… he isn't going to. He wasn't going to talk about it anymore even without Clarke's order to, but now that just cements it. ]

I don't know what to figure out.
I don't need space
I don't want space

[ I'm so alone. So angry. So sad. So in love. So hurt. So afraid. ]

It'll be okay.
I just overreacted a bit.
He didn't mean anything by it.
You didn't either.
I just need to get a hold of my emotions.
That's never been very easy for me. That's all.

( again, wishing she was face to face with him, in order to grab mizuki by the shoulders and impress no, you didn't overreact.

just because clarke's not without guilt here, just because she's not blameless, and just because she still wants to use mizuki like a weapon of war — none of that means she doesn't believe he has every right to rage in this moment. )

No.

You don't need to get ahold of your emotions.

You need to feel them as fully as you possibly can, and do whatever they're telling you to do.

But I don't know what they're telling me to do
They're so loud…
…
But I can't hear any of it.
It's like
Overlapping voices
…
I think maybe I should just forget this happened.

No. Don't do that, Mizuki, it doesn't help anyone.

And as for the voices — take a breath.

Then tell me if you want to break something or cry.

Both.
I want
To hurt him.
I want him to be okay.
I want to just lie down and not exist for a while.
But I also don't want to be alone.
It's really confusing.
I don't want to deal with it.

( her heart aches. and a voice in the back of her head persistently reminds her — you did this. )

I know you don't. No one ever does, but you can't just lie down.

Cry first. Break something later.

[ Jokes on Clarke, he's done both simultaneously before and he'll do it again. By now, his room is probably in a similar shape. It's a good thing his roomie is rarely around, otherwise coming back to broken furniture everywhere would be such a hassle. ]

I don't understand.
Why am I not good enough?
What did I do wrong?
How do I get him to trust me?
Why does this hurt so much?
Should I feel like this?

[ Ugh. He keeps erasing everything in frustration. He doesn't want to invalidate his feelings, but everything feels so yucky right now. He doesn't want to make Clarke feel yucky too just because he can't get himself organized. It takes him a moment to finish his thought process as a tentacle picks up the chair at his desk and slam it into the wall a few times until either it crumbles into bits and he's only left with a leg, or, the option that actually happens: it gets stuck in the wall entirely. He could probably pull it back out, but that's too much effort. Hopefully his neighbors, Natsuno and Jade, aren't home. ]

He told me he won't do this again, but
He…
Has.

[ It was just a kiss, of course, but that's not what he means. Faithfulness. Trust. These were broken both times. The first time he was able to brush it off because he assumed it was his fault and he could fix it by, you know, actually being a boyfriend. But now? Now, he is Venti's boyfriend. And it still happened. ~~Funny how an act for faith is the most unfaithful thing Venti can do.~~ ]

And I don't blame him. I know how he sees me. Maybe I should just accept this much.
I just didn't think it would be like this.

( she's torn, right? wants to rage with mizuki for mizuki's sake, wants to retreat and nurse the notion she's a horrible person until it becomes a full grown ideal she can send off to college or something. and then also — struggles with the idea she ought to be defending venti here too. how? who knows, this whole thing was really shitty, but there has to be something to be said for the fact they keep looking at a god (disgraced or otherwise) as if he were anything close to human. isn't that how the stories go? the olympians were always petty, vengeful, and used humans for their own personal gains. it'd be easier of mizuki just blamed her, or at least blamed her more — clarke could and would at least give him very human anguish and guilt.

she's also torn on wanting to give him advice and feelings like she's taken any right to do so — dragged it out back, shot it in the head, and not even bothered to bury it. )

You should blame him. Blame both of us, Mizuki. This isn't a situation where you have to keep smiling and being nice about it.

If he doesn't see you how you want to be seen, if this is a pattern now, why stay?

[ If Mizuki weren't now currently aware that he has the thoughts of a literal eldritch god in his head, he very well may have agreed with Clarke. Sure, he's not human, but he is mortal. But between Elder God Thoughts(tm) and knowing Lumine also isn't mortal, he can absolutely say for a fact that this is very much just Venti's bullshit. Not in those words, of course, as Mizuki is still very intent that neither of them have the blame, but, uh, he can and will shut that notion down entirely.

…

He should probably tell Clarke about the Elder God in his head at some point. ]

Because I love him.
I love him with all my heart.
He's so kind and patient with me.
He helped me figure things out about myself that I didn't know.
He calms me down when I'm having a hard time, and I've helped him out of a really tough time.
I know he cares about me. Really, really truly cares about me. And he gets so happy when I sing to him.
I just want him to smile.
I just want him to be happy.
…
I feel so selfish.

( at some point that'd be a good thing to know.... but not right now, obviously. they're dealing with an old god of a different variety, that's still managed to worm his way into peoples minds. )

Someone can be good to you, good for you in the moment, and still not stay in your life all that long, Mizuki.

No no no
You don't get it
He says that I saved him
And I know he means it
He's been getting better
He wants me to come back to Mondstadt with him
He says I really do make him so happy
He cares about me

[ But does he love Mizuki? Yet to be seen. ]

( mizuki... clarke even says out loud, quietly and to the dark shadows of her own cabin room. her voice is full of pity and guilt, and there's the need to point out the rule of thumb on this ship was apparently people could leave, but never together. a happily ever after in mondstadt seems impossible, for many reasons, but that as a start. )

It's not your job to save people by loving them. That never, ever ends like you hope it will...

I'm not saying it is!
But I love him!
He means so, so much to me.
If I could live a thousand lives with him, I would.

( a pause.

a sigh.

the undeniable urge to push her face into a pillow and scream. this shouldn't surprise her, raven still loved finn enough to scream and break when he died. but she'd at least also had the decency to hate clarke for it. )

Then I guess it comes down to if you can forgive him and mean it.

I know I will.
…
I guess I don't know what I want.
I'm sorry again. For asking you and…
For making you upset.
…
I'll talk to you later?

You're not the one who's supposed to be sorry here, Mizuki.

But alright. Are you going to... be okay?

Later?

( obviously not right now but like, she's worried. )

ya.

[ He slips back into his usual typing, now that he can see probably through his dumb tears again and doesn't have to rely on voice to text to convey his messages. ]

this is just a little bump!
i dont blame him 4 getting so captivated by ur heroism!!!
( •̀ ω •́ )✧
ill be ok!! i just… need to get the feelings out a little bit
then ill be good as new no prob

( there's still no such thing as heroes so far as clarke's concerned, and really really feels like this fuck up ought to nail that point home and yet...

there's doubt. there's the unparalleled desire to either seek mizuki out and hug him, cry into his hair and make sure he knows just how sorry she is — or else just like. yeet herself off the boat? maybe not that dramatic, but god the urge to run away from interpersonal strife is high. but it still doesn't feel her place, this isn't something to make about her, and her own guilt shouldn't undermine her friends grief. so instead of a rebuke, it's all clarke can manage to simply type out: )

...okay.

I'll talk to you later then.

[ Funnily enough, while Mizuki might not be a mind reader, he does know Clarke well enough at this point. Especially in stressful situations like this. He's gotten enough real talks with her over the course of enough emotionally high situations to feel confident in sending her another message. ]

and clarke?
pls dont beat urself up over this
its rly ok
~~im actually glad it was u. if it was sum1 else, i wouldve hurt them.~~

[ Hm. Actually, maybe he doesn't need to send that last part. He deletes it, then. ]

💓

( but it isn't okay. none of this is okay, and while clarke can justify a lot by her higher intentions of using venti and whatever powers he possessed as a weapon against the captain at some point in the near future...

the hurt still stings.

a very human, emotional part of her insists it wasn't worth it. but they've both got horrifically unhealthy methods of compartmentalization, mizuki just bases his on love and cheer while clarke leans towards desperation and a need for power. come tomorrow, or at most within the next few days, there's a very good chance this entire conflict can be swallowed and never discussed at length again. and for now... mizuki can wreck his room, and clarke can wipe a few errant tears that have collected under her chin, and shelf her phone before putting her face in her hands.

when she'd railed against interpersonal friendships and relationships to stede bonnet, it'd been entirely on the basis that the captain might use those connections to force them to hurt each other at some point on this journey. and now she's reminded once again, that he doesn't have to — they'll all going to do an exceptional job of it by themselves. )

inbox @ comesailaway

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject