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If we're boring, we die. Are burnt to ash and left to roam this ship, serving the next rounds of this sick game like the ghosts in the walls serve us now.

If we're interesting, we'll undoubtedly be killing each other. Betraying and maiming, at best.

Where's the choice in a situation like that? There's no best path I can see, and I don't... have the energy to debate which option would be the more humane. I don't know what to do Flynn, I just gave it my best shot and now...

[ It shouldn't be a relief, and yet: ]

I don't know what to do either. It doesn't seem like there is a good solution, and I certainly don't think you're going to figure it out alone. Particularly not tonight.

I am increasingly tempted to try Yuri's method of simply handling things as they come up and refusing to back down.

( since this is apparently honesty hour — )

I'm scared if we don't figure out what to do tonight, or soon, it's going to be too late. And I'm scared even if we do figure out something else to try, it's just not going to work again, and again, and again.

Maybe we won't back down, but that doesn't mean we'll win.

[ Oh the fear is so real. Flynn has to stop walking with it, waving off Yuri's moment of concern (he will bring it up later, in the darkness of their room: the fear plaguing him too, his worry that once again nothing he does will be enough). ]

At home, I knew the enemy I was fighting. Yuri and I have been exposed to the corruption of the Knights and the lack of support from the Empire since we were children, and so the problems were clear, if not easy to solve.

[ Hard to solve, and still unsolved, Flynn reminds himself. ]

Here it seems like the more we learn the less we know. How are we supposed to fight an enemy we don't understand with stakes we don't fully grasp?

Shouldn't I know the answer to this? But I don't. I don't know anything. I know that I'll keep fighting, but I don't know that I'll be able to do anything in time, or save anyone.

I think the stakes are clear enough. Either we beat him, or we all die and he starts all over with another group.

( it's not her first time fighting inevitable, unstoppable forces that went unseen save for the effects they had on humanity. likening the captain's smokey, intangible form to the death wave of radiation that had swept across her earth doesn't seem that inaccurate. but that parallel brings the unpleasant realization that they hadn't beaten death there. just tried their best, put as many safety measures and sheets of concrete between themselves and nuclear decomposition as humanly possible, and even then had only managed to save a fraction of the species. more had died than had been saved.

she'd died, most likely. and been brought back to fight another battle that couldn't be won.

it stung. all the peace she'd managed to make with death in those last few minutes undermined now that dying wasn't even an option anymore. not with any sort of permanence — peaceful or otherwise. )

But I don't know what to do either.

( also hello flynn, welcome to a first row seat for clarke griffin's textual breakdown. )

I have been trying so hard, all the time. I made maps and a passenger manifest, I made a speech on the island, I got bombs so I could try to blow up the bridge. I learned how to play blackjack, I tried teaching people how to shoot. And when it comes down to killing a person — a thing, a monster — I couldn't even do that right. I'm not

I don't

Have you made friends here yet? I didn't mean to, but I did — and now I can't protect them from the captain or even the other passengers he brought here. I still don't understand how magic works, I lost a kidney. And I wouldn't mind dying permanently for this cause, but I need it to mean something this time.

Edited 2022-05-22 03:04 (UTC)

[ Oh, there is so much here, and it makes Flynn's heart ache to see what could very well be his own words spilled in whatever ink these things run on, full of fear and anger and hopelessness. How are they supposed to fight like this? No wonder Jenny was so full of bitterness and anger: they are up against impossible odds, and banding together only lasted as long as there was something like peace, a single enemy to fight.

Jenny was right about them in the end. The bloodshed started eventually. ]

I couldn't kill, either.

[ An admission, and a cowardly one, but it's honesty hours and saying it feels a little bit like pulling a thorn from his finger, painful relief followed by the sting of free-flowing guilt. ]

Maybe if I had been strong enough to do it, then Yuri wouldn't have died the way he did, and Jade and Rita would not have been cut down. I don't know what it means, that neither of us are capable of doing that correctly.

Nothing that I can say will make any of this better, but I promise you this: you are not and will not be the only one trying and trying. I'll fight until I'm bones. It seems possible to fight after that, in fact, and so if given the chance I will keep going. It's the only thing I can do.

So. When you're tired of trying, I will try for you. I think that maybe helping each other and making friends that we care about enough to try and protect is the only thing that's going to get us through this.

( but i can kill, clarke wants to yell at the phone. wants to viciously type in all caps, full of exclamation points, and wail against his morals until flynn understood the issue here wasn't a lack of conviction or an emotional hang up — the problem here was that, when clarke's usual panic response is to eliminate a threat to save the people she cares about, here she can't do anything like that. she's useless, she doesn't understand the magic they're all living under, and doesn't know what to try now that spilling blood has failed.

it's not the first time she's faced something deadly and beyond the scope of what men could defeat. but she had been able to run away from the death wave — to send her friends to space, to bury some remnants of humanity in an underground bunker to ride out the radiation — and the wall of fire preparing to swallow her alive hadn't had a face.

then flynn has to go and offer his support. and she knows he means it, but clarke's always tired. she shouldn't... she doesn't want to... )

I can't ask that of you, Flynn.

If you can't kill, or don't want to, I respect that. But I think this journey is going to ultimately end in gallons worth of bloodshed. We can help each other — I'd like that a lot, actually. But

I'm worried you have too big a heart, and too high of morals to do the dirty work that's going to be required here.

I am worried that my morals are not too high to do what's required of me, actually. That when the time comes, and I truly have no choice, it will be easy.

( despite the challenge she'd just lobbed at him full force, clarke's quick to turn around and absolve. reassure? )

It won't be. Easy, I mean. It never is.

But in the same breath, it's not hard to die for your people. It's not hard to kill for them, even if it means killing a part of yourself.

If I could offer to carry that for you Flynn, I would. But I don't have an ounce of magic and fear we're going to need that in the long run so. Think you'll be able to bear it?

Edited 2022-06-08 02:07 (UTC)

I will bear it. Ability has nothing to do with it. If that's what's needed, then I'll do it. I think that has to be the way forward, because I'm not willing to keep my hands and heart clean at the expense of the lives of everyone else.

Good.

( it's not good, nothing here is good, but so far as assessing allies and making sure they were all on the same page — )

First time we met, I didn't think you'd have that in you, and I can't tell you how happy I am to have been proven wrong.

The first time we met, I also didn't think I had it in me.

The island changed a lot of my calculations, I think. And my offer stands. I don't think we succeed by trying to carry any of this alone. It's all I can think that we have on the Captain: numbers, and the ability to work together.

We need more than that, though. Numbers can't be all it takes, he's had countless people here before us. Magic can't be all there is either, he's literally brought gods to heel. And I don't know if every single person here will ever work together — some seem inclined to cruelty, and others are either content with life on board or just plain selfish.

We at least, at least need the element of surprise.

Creativity and distraction. I think that's the only reason he let me hit him, it wasn't a sword or spear or gun.

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