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inbox @ comesailaway
( shiptalk | direct messages | group messages | action )
( shiptalk | direct messages | group messages | action )
( look, it's nice that he's so optimistic and assured. but that doesn't change the fact clarke can spot a dozen blaring holes in that argument that seems to comfort mizuki so much. )
Just... think on it. Please.
( not an out and out demand, but damned if clarke isn't shoveling weight on those words in an attempt to get her way. )
Just... think on it. Please.
( not an out and out demand, but damned if clarke isn't shoveling weight on those words in an attempt to get her way. )
[ It might not be a demand to Clarke, but the sternness of it makes Mizuki believe it is one. And he's not one to turn down an order like that. He continues smiling and gives a little nod. ]
Alright, I'll do my best. [ Though, he can't say his best is all that good... ] Sorry I couldn't be of more assistance... but I hope I was able to give you something new to work with?
Alright, I'll do my best. [ Though, he can't say his best is all that good... ] Sorry I couldn't be of more assistance... but I hope I was able to give you something new to work with?
You've given me a lot to think about, Mizuki. Thank you.
( maybe nothing expressly new, that she hadn't already garnered from her own chats with pirate jenny or being filled in on natsuno's findings — with the fun bonus of jade curtis in the background, offering unwanted but not unwelcome commentary. and then there's so... so much to consider about her little cannibalistic jellyfish friend, with this inability to form his own convictions suddenly at the forefront.
willing to protect whomever he chooses to align himself with to the death, it seemed. willing to follow through hard, bloody orders and terminate enemies. all too happy to be of assistance, and begging for direction...
really, sometimes mizuki comes off more like a weapon begging to be wielded than a person. and as her own personalized instrument of destruction and death, clarke doesn't know what she honestly thinks about that realization. )
Was there anything else you wanted to tell me?
( maybe nothing expressly new, that she hadn't already garnered from her own chats with pirate jenny or being filled in on natsuno's findings — with the fun bonus of jade curtis in the background, offering unwanted but not unwelcome commentary. and then there's so... so much to consider about her little cannibalistic jellyfish friend, with this inability to form his own convictions suddenly at the forefront.
willing to protect whomever he chooses to align himself with to the death, it seemed. willing to follow through hard, bloody orders and terminate enemies. all too happy to be of assistance, and begging for direction...
really, sometimes mizuki comes off more like a weapon begging to be wielded than a person. and as her own personalized instrument of destruction and death, clarke doesn't know what she honestly thinks about that realization. )
Was there anything else you wanted to tell me?
[ Being a weapon begging to be used is not too far off from exactly what Mizuki sees himself as, really. And it may only take a little more time for Clarke to see that in full, if only because Mizuki is often one to speak his mind. There's only a few secrets he keeps to himself, and even then, those aren't too hard to pry out of him. ]
It's not a problem. I want to help where I can.
[ I want to be useful. ]
I think that's everything? For now, anyway. I can report back to you if something else comes up, though. Hopefully, it can just be something I can relay to you over the app next time.
It's not a problem. I want to help where I can.
[ I want to be useful. ]
I think that's everything? For now, anyway. I can report back to you if something else comes up, though. Hopefully, it can just be something I can relay to you over the app next time.
( there are several things to hit on within the scope of her response here, and clarke starts from... the middle. ish. whatever. )
I don't mind if you prefer telling me in person. ( what were alliances — dare one even say friendships — with interpersonal barriers held between them? unproductive, that's what. even if he ends up telling her the same things she already knows ten times over, clarke would rather be one of the first people to learn new things about their circumstances just because mizuki thought he could only text her. )
I appreciate learning whatever you have to tell, and really hope you'll keep sharing these things with me.
( lastly, onto the main reason she'd asked — )
But if we're done here, are you hungry?
( ...for food. for FOOD. but later clarke will realize how horribly this was phrased. )
I don't mind if you prefer telling me in person. ( what were alliances — dare one even say friendships — with interpersonal barriers held between them? unproductive, that's what. even if he ends up telling her the same things she already knows ten times over, clarke would rather be one of the first people to learn new things about their circumstances just because mizuki thought he could only text her. )
I appreciate learning whatever you have to tell, and really hope you'll keep sharing these things with me.
( lastly, onto the main reason she'd asked — )
But if we're done here, are you hungry?
( ...for food. for FOOD. but later clarke will realize how horribly this was phrased. )
[ !!! ] I certainly do like hanging out with you, if that's what you mean! [ It's probably not, but he can give her compliment-adjacent things. ] And I will let you know if anything else comes up. I think it's important to have someone reliable around who can sort through the information, and... I at least feel like you fit that bill.
[ Look, it's fine... He understands! This time. ]
Oh! Absolutely. I'd kill for some shrimp right now, actually. [ ... Maybe not literally. ]
[ Look, it's fine... He understands! This time. ]
Oh! Absolutely. I'd kill for some shrimp right now, actually. [ ... Maybe not literally. ]
( it's not, but like. if you're after being disappointed in answers, ask clarke griffin if she likes anything here, or even has the headspace to relax enough to realize she's accidentally making friends on board, not just allies.
this time. this time?!? mizuki please. )
Then let's go to the buffet. Come on.
( she's only half feral on her best days, and will at least this time use a fork and knife. )
this time. this time?!? mizuki please. )
Then let's go to the buffet. Come on.
( she's only half feral on her best days, and will at least this time use a fork and knife. )
[ Mizuki perhaps stands outside Clarke's door for too long. It's late. It's very late, and she's probably asleep, but Mizuki has ultimately fucked over his sleep schedule to the point where he's not entirely sure time exists as a concept anymore. He would be surprised to learn if other people hadn't also fucked their sleep schedules over Jenny's...
...
How much time has passed now? He isn't sure, he doesn't want to check his phone. A rational part of him is telling him to just text Clarke, but another part is saying that he wouldn't even know what to say. Is she even in her room? Is him being here an issue? What if she yells at him? Does he deserve it? Was what he did wrong? It didn't feel wrong. In fact, protecting Clarke from Pirate Jenny is, perhaps, the only thing that actually felt right. It's the only constant foundation in his mind that made any sense in a inky black sea of decisions he couldn't make otherwise.
But maybe it's not okay. And maybe things made less sense than he thought they already did. Should he apologize? Should he stand up for the one thing he thought was okay? Should he just let Clarke yell at him? It's a mess.
...
He knocks. ]
...
How much time has passed now? He isn't sure, he doesn't want to check his phone. A rational part of him is telling him to just text Clarke, but another part is saying that he wouldn't even know what to say. Is she even in her room? Is him being here an issue? What if she yells at him? Does he deserve it? Was what he did wrong? It didn't feel wrong. In fact, protecting Clarke from Pirate Jenny is, perhaps, the only thing that actually felt right. It's the only constant foundation in his mind that made any sense in a inky black sea of decisions he couldn't make otherwise.
But maybe it's not okay. And maybe things made less sense than he thought they already did. Should he apologize? Should he stand up for the one thing he thought was okay? Should he just let Clarke yell at him? It's a mess.
...
He knocks. ]
Edited (typos and such don't look @ me) 2022-04-21 02:25 (UTC)
( clarke hasn't had anything resembling a normal sleep schedule in the last year and a half. the idea of restful sleep is... just that, an idea. there'd been too much to do in order to keep people safe at home, and too much to learn onboard the serena eterna with the same objective in mind. and at least in this specific moment, she's two days out from being bodily slammed into safety railings, walls, doors, and a stretch of ships deck. she hurts, has spent the better part of the last day taking tylenol and mapping the bruises blossoming along her torso, limbs, and face. she'd actually taken up residence on the bed in 108, for once finding the floor too unforgiving to lay upon.
there's so much to do, and not a winking interest in sleep as the various what if's and what now's plague her thoughts. but it also hasn't been very long since they'd all almost drowned (for some, drowned again), and everyone deserves a respite.
a knock eventually comes at her door, and sitting up is slow work but accomplished with very few groans. clarke doesn't know who to expect might be calling on her — and who knew, maybe they were there for her roommate and just out of luck that kara was absent at this particular moment — but figures anyone who knocks around two in the morning has a pressing need. it could be natsuno, it could be pal, it could be dean, it could be rita or flynn or yuri... anyone with important new information burning a hole on their tongue like money burnt through pockets.
except, despite all those options, it ends up being someone clarke hadn't figured she'd see in... a while. honestly, hadn't wanted to. the flurry of activity during hurricane jenny seems to have glossed over, they're back to smooth sailing on the serena eterna, and many unpleasant experiences have been firmly bottled up and neatly compartmentalized. but mizuki's on her doorstep, and it's impossible not to feel the familiar flame of anger curling inside her chest. )
What.
( there's no yelling yet. her tone lacks any obvious strains of poison. resentment, and that fury with which she'd screamed at him last time they'd been face to face are also absent. but that forced flat, calm indifference is still designed to sting. )
there's so much to do, and not a winking interest in sleep as the various what if's and what now's plague her thoughts. but it also hasn't been very long since they'd all almost drowned (for some, drowned again), and everyone deserves a respite.
a knock eventually comes at her door, and sitting up is slow work but accomplished with very few groans. clarke doesn't know who to expect might be calling on her — and who knew, maybe they were there for her roommate and just out of luck that kara was absent at this particular moment — but figures anyone who knocks around two in the morning has a pressing need. it could be natsuno, it could be pal, it could be dean, it could be rita or flynn or yuri... anyone with important new information burning a hole on their tongue like money burnt through pockets.
except, despite all those options, it ends up being someone clarke hadn't figured she'd see in... a while. honestly, hadn't wanted to. the flurry of activity during hurricane jenny seems to have glossed over, they're back to smooth sailing on the serena eterna, and many unpleasant experiences have been firmly bottled up and neatly compartmentalized. but mizuki's on her doorstep, and it's impossible not to feel the familiar flame of anger curling inside her chest. )
What.
( there's no yelling yet. her tone lacks any obvious strains of poison. resentment, and that fury with which she'd screamed at him last time they'd been face to face are also absent. but that forced flat, calm indifference is still designed to sting. )
[ And this is where the hard part comes in. Figuring out what to do from here. He fiddles uncomfortably with the grip of his umbrella, staring at Clarke for some kind of clue on what he should say or do or...
He should speak honestly, at least. An apology wouldn't be sincere. And he can't just expect her to get out her thoughts immediately, either. But he won't leave. He doesn't want to... ]
I wanted to see you. [ An unspoken "If that's okay" as he glances at the floor momentarily. ] Maybe... try and... fix... what I broke.
[ Translation: I don't want you to hate me. ]
He should speak honestly, at least. An apology wouldn't be sincere. And he can't just expect her to get out her thoughts immediately, either. But he won't leave. He doesn't want to... ]
I wanted to see you. [ An unspoken "If that's okay" as he glances at the floor momentarily. ] Maybe... try and... fix... what I broke.
[ Translation: I don't want you to hate me. ]
( hard for some, easy for those asking it of them. an apology may be a place to start, but wouldn't be quite enough.
still firmly rooted in the doorframe of her cabin, unforgiving gaze latched onto mizuki even as he dips his head and looks at the floor. )
What do you think you broke?
still firmly rooted in the doorframe of her cabin, unforgiving gaze latched onto mizuki even as he dips his head and looks at the floor. )
What do you think you broke?
[ He looks back up and considers for a moment. There's... honestly a lot of answers that could go here, but the most obvious one is: ]
Your trust.
Your trust.
...
[ He squeezes the handle of his umbrella again, making an unpleasant rubbery sound as he does. This, he doesn't really know how to answer. Or maybe he does, and doesn't want to? It's hard to know for sure. ]
I wanted- I needed you to be safe. And I saw you on the deck- hit the railing... [ He bites his tongue for a moment. Keep it short, Mizuki. ] It won't happen again. I'll do better next time.
[ He squeezes the handle of his umbrella again, making an unpleasant rubbery sound as he does. This, he doesn't really know how to answer. Or maybe he does, and doesn't want to? It's hard to know for sure. ]
I wanted- I needed you to be safe. And I saw you on the deck- hit the railing... [ He bites his tongue for a moment. Keep it short, Mizuki. ] It won't happen again. I'll do better next time.
( declarations of care and a desire to protect should be heartwarming. it should undercut any ill-held emotion she still held. it should be enough, to love someone enough that you're willing to hurt them, but in clarke's regretfully lengthy experience, it isn't.
do better next time, he says. and damn, if clarke hadn't repeated the same mantra over and over to herself; hadn't said sorry and cried about it, all before going out and doing the exact same thing over and over again. they're no different. but from where she's standing, it's much easier to feel victimized and demand reparations. )
I put myself out there, Mizuki. I made that choice, and was ready to accept any of the consequences that came with trying to help people. But you — you decided that what you wanted to do was worth more than what I needed to do.
( is it possible to be self deprecating and self righteous all at once? i'm not worth that pitted against i was doing what's right, conviction held firm on both ends of the argument. need versus want is never easy to navigate, yet clarke easily highlights a path through the maze. )
And that's not fair. You can't give me trolley problems, then pull the lever out of my hands just because you don't like my response.
do better next time, he says. and damn, if clarke hadn't repeated the same mantra over and over to herself; hadn't said sorry and cried about it, all before going out and doing the exact same thing over and over again. they're no different. but from where she's standing, it's much easier to feel victimized and demand reparations. )
I put myself out there, Mizuki. I made that choice, and was ready to accept any of the consequences that came with trying to help people. But you — you decided that what you wanted to do was worth more than what I needed to do.
( is it possible to be self deprecating and self righteous all at once? i'm not worth that pitted against i was doing what's right, conviction held firm on both ends of the argument. need versus want is never easy to navigate, yet clarke easily highlights a path through the maze. )
And that's not fair. You can't give me trolley problems, then pull the lever out of my hands just because you don't like my response.
[ There is a very instantaneous shake of Mizuki's head at this, and he stares Clarke down intently. ]
You misunderstand, Clarke. You don't seem to understand how valuable you are. Someone like you, who has the ability to weave a tapestry of your tactics, should have the thread to do so without hesitation. To do so boldly and know that there won't be issues.
To carry out a plan flawlessly and without casualties requires a very strong thread, though. And I can be that thread. But... if you are in harm's way, then how am I supposed to know what to do?
[ He takes a step forward, and attempts to reach out and grab Clarke's hand to squeeze it in his own. ]
You cannot get hurt again, Clarke.
You misunderstand, Clarke. You don't seem to understand how valuable you are. Someone like you, who has the ability to weave a tapestry of your tactics, should have the thread to do so without hesitation. To do so boldly and know that there won't be issues.
To carry out a plan flawlessly and without casualties requires a very strong thread, though. And I can be that thread. But... if you are in harm's way, then how am I supposed to know what to do?
[ He takes a step forward, and attempts to reach out and grab Clarke's hand to squeeze it in his own. ]
You cannot get hurt again, Clarke.
( once again — manic fixation, meet cold, unmoving anger. )
Hesitating is important. ( how else do you know you're making the right decision? how else do you find that fortitude to charge headlong into a battle you know you might not win? it's clarke's turn to furiously shake her head, dismissing each of his points without truly listening to them. ) This isn't a tapestry, it's a mess. No plan succeeds without a few hitches, and there are always — always — casualties.
( they've backtracked beyond the point where they first met, where clarke would grudgingly endure physical contact. this time she just wrenches her hand out of his, and brings it back down to shove two fingers into his sternum. )
I don't mind hurting for the greater good. And you —
( how is he supposed to know what to do? her insides are alight with the frustration of someone who feels like they're throwing common sense at a brick wall and it just doesn't stick. it's easy, it's so so simple — )
You're just supposed to listen to me!
Hesitating is important. ( how else do you know you're making the right decision? how else do you find that fortitude to charge headlong into a battle you know you might not win? it's clarke's turn to furiously shake her head, dismissing each of his points without truly listening to them. ) This isn't a tapestry, it's a mess. No plan succeeds without a few hitches, and there are always — always — casualties.
( they've backtracked beyond the point where they first met, where clarke would grudgingly endure physical contact. this time she just wrenches her hand out of his, and brings it back down to shove two fingers into his sternum. )
I don't mind hurting for the greater good. And you —
( how is he supposed to know what to do? her insides are alight with the frustration of someone who feels like they're throwing common sense at a brick wall and it just doesn't stick. it's easy, it's so so simple — )
You're just supposed to listen to me!
[ ... ]
You're right.
[ He bows his head very slightly, then meets her gaze once more. ]
I'm sorry. I made a mistake. [ He is supposed to just listen. She's right, she's right, she's right. He can't let his stupid trauma get in the way like that again. That's not her burden to bare. Mizuki's not supposed to cause problems, he's supposed to be the tool to fix them. It's his job to protect, but not get in the way and those are sometimes really hard to do simultaneously, but at that point... isn't that his fault if he can't.
His hands shake, but he keeps his gaze. ]
I won't disobey you next time.
You're right.
[ He bows his head very slightly, then meets her gaze once more. ]
I'm sorry. I made a mistake. [ He is supposed to just listen. She's right, she's right, she's right. He can't let his stupid trauma get in the way like that again. That's not her burden to bare. Mizuki's not supposed to cause problems, he's supposed to be the tool to fix them. It's his job to protect, but not get in the way and those are sometimes really hard to do simultaneously, but at that point... isn't that his fault if he can't.
His hands shake, but he keeps his gaze. ]
I won't disobey you next time.
( ask her any other time, under any other circumstances and after any other crisis, and clarke's response would have been wildly different. idealistic, affectionate even. she understands — she understands — that pushing drive to protect everyone and everything you've ever loved; everything that smells like home, every strand of light that promises a brighter future. if mizuki had done this to anyone else, clarke wouldn't have faulted him for his actions.
but this is the moment they have. right here, in this hallway. )
This isn't about obedience, it's about respect.
( reckless death wishes ought to be respected, right? again, any other circumstance, and she'd want mizuki to continue making his own choices. this time they'd just collided against her own, and that can't stand. )
You called me heroic, but you can't trust me to make my own calls?
but this is the moment they have. right here, in this hallway. )
This isn't about obedience, it's about respect.
( reckless death wishes ought to be respected, right? again, any other circumstance, and she'd want mizuki to continue making his own choices. this time they'd just collided against her own, and that can't stand. )
You called me heroic, but you can't trust me to make my own calls?
It's not... [ Mizuki's brows knit together. ] I was... compromised. I let my own guilt get in the way of orders.
[ The hand that she ripped herself from idly starts to tug on his rain poncho. He's trying really hard to figure out what the right things to say here are. He feels like... well, a little bit like jelly right now, actually. He just wants to lie down and apologize because he doesn't know what the right thing to do is. He thought that was the right thing to do. He should protect Clarke and he didn't even do that right. ]
But I do trust you. I trust your calls and I trust you to make the right decisions. And I know my word doesn't hold a lot of water now, but I need you to believe me when I say that... in that specific instance, I wasn't... myself.
[ The hand that she ripped herself from idly starts to tug on his rain poncho. He's trying really hard to figure out what the right things to say here are. He feels like... well, a little bit like jelly right now, actually. He just wants to lie down and apologize because he doesn't know what the right thing to do is. He thought that was the right thing to do. He should protect Clarke and he didn't even do that right. ]
But I do trust you. I trust your calls and I trust you to make the right decisions. And I know my word doesn't hold a lot of water now, but I need you to believe me when I say that... in that specific instance, I wasn't... myself.
( there's a lull in the argument on clarke's end. a beat, a moment to breathe heavy around every accusation she'd thrown at him and finally watch how they've settled. the lines in mizuki's shoulders read of defeat and abject sorrow, and it's hard not to take that as an unspoken thread of honesty. he struggles to meet her burning eyes, and twists his fingers against himself like a scolded child seeking some positive contact that doesn't hurt the same way the words do.
but reading a person and taking what they offer at face value doesn't do much to stomp out her anger. )
If that wasn't you, what was it?
( she means generally — what was that side of you, mizuki? but... yes, at some point she'd like an explanation about the void black tentacles. )
Why'd it happen?
but reading a person and taking what they offer at face value doesn't do much to stomp out her anger. )
If that wasn't you, what was it?
( she means generally — what was that side of you, mizuki? but... yes, at some point she'd like an explanation about the void black tentacles. )
Why'd it happen?
[ There's a laugh. Short. Harsh. Pained. ]
Miss... [ ... ] Pirate Jenny stirred some rather... old memories. That of a very young Aegir who lost his family and hometown to a group of pirates.
[ He teeters a bit. ]
And he was very intent on not letting it happen again.
Miss... [ ... ] Pirate Jenny stirred some rather... old memories. That of a very young Aegir who lost his family and hometown to a group of pirates.
[ He teeters a bit. ]
And he was very intent on not letting it happen again.
( it will always, always be hard to look someone in the eye and tell them what they'd lost isn't a justification for their actions. sometimes it's necessary, but at least in this moment... it doesn't feel like it is. he's sufficient cowed, wallowing and disassociating enough to retreat to third person and horrid memories. clarke doesn't gentle in her admonishments, her face is still tight lipped and stern.
but there's an edge to her words. carefully measured, coaching. dipping back into their hypotheticals, but with a thread more conviction. )
I'm not going to say you have to get over that. You never do, that's going to hurt for the rest of your life. But you have to learn how to look past it in the moment.
but there's an edge to her words. carefully measured, coaching. dipping back into their hypotheticals, but with a thread more conviction. )
I'm not going to say you have to get over that. You never do, that's going to hurt for the rest of your life. But you have to learn how to look past it in the moment.
[ Mizuki continues to shift his weight from foot to foot, using his umbrella as a balance as he tries to find some kind of comfort in the movement. Something to keep him stable and in the moment and focused on... something that isn't just his thoughts. For this moment, he doesn't say anything. His instinct is to apologize again, but... ]
[ Eventually, he manages to slap on a smile. The usual, cheery one. She at least doesn't seem mad anymore. So maybe she understands? Maybe Mizuki doesn't need to be so anxious? Maybe he still has a chance to prove his use? ]
I know. Hence why I said I made a mistake. I didn't realize how bad it would be, my bad! But I've learned, so it won't happen again. I'll even be more prepared next time! I'll stay by you, and I'll keep you safe, and I'll be your anchor in the storm.
[ His teetering finally stops. ]
And anything that tries to get close, I'll tear to pieces.
I know. Hence why I said I made a mistake. I didn't realize how bad it would be, my bad! But I've learned, so it won't happen again. I'll even be more prepared next time! I'll stay by you, and I'll keep you safe, and I'll be your anchor in the storm.
[ His teetering finally stops. ]
And anything that tries to get close, I'll tear to pieces.
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