[octavia was angry and frustrated with a lot of things about this whole mission from how she was manipulated, lied to and kept in the dark about something that ultimately could have eliminated how most of this played out like how clarke did actually die and how things escalated soon after.
it turns out that almost killing your friend is a lot just like it is with actually killing their doppelganger. it's something octavia initially didn't think would affect her, she had rationalized that with these doubles being fake that it was totally okay to kill them but from recent events, it did take an emotional toll on her which was more than she really expected and she absolutely hates having to deal with these feelings. she needs to contact clarke anyway about having taken care of her double so from the moment she does, it's pretty obvious from her tone what her mood is ] You're an idiot.
Is there more you decided not to tell me that could helped avoid all of this? I can't believe I had to learn some of it from your double— who you don't have to worry about anymore, by the way.
( reasonably, octavia has every right to be upset here. clarke can recognize that as much as she recognizes her own bone deep exhaustion that means she really doesn't want to get into it, and flinches a little at the other girl's tone across the airwaves, but curls her lips against her teeth and forces a slow exhale out of her nose. )
It's done? ( business first. and another exhale, this time audible and a sigh of relief. ) Thank you, Octavia. I found yours yesterday, the black marks on your arm should be fading now.
And I'm sorry. It wasn't like I purposefully chose to keep you in the dark, I just — I didn't know you didn't know. And nightblood doesn't matter here; there are no clans, and no impending nuclear event — ( ... ) — for now.
[octavia isn't surprised that clarke addresses the part about their doubles first but for a brief moment her tone shifts away from anger because she is grateful and relieved her double is taken care of] Yeah, it's done— thank you for dealing with mine too.
You're still an idiot though because actually it kind of did matter here. You died and your double took advantage of it in convincing me to kill you because I didn't know about your blood. [it's hard to tell who or what she is angry at with her words: herself, clarke and her doppelganger, or maybe she's angry on clarke's behalf on this too]
I knew that you injected yourself with nightblood but seriously at what point with everything that was going on back home was I supposed to have known it worked?
( okay, fair argument here but please consider — )
We didn't think it did. We were attacked on our way to get Raven, you know that part I'm sure. Emori's suit was compromised, ripped at the neck seal. She started to cough up blood and I figured... ( there is the slightest pause, and then a mild huff that could almost pass as a laugh. if gallows humor felt particularly appropriate in this moment, so shortly after what they'd both just done. ) Good a time as any to test if the nightblood worked. But then I got sick too.
( another pause, as clarke grapples with how to finish this story. because she knows the nightblood works now, but only because of events that unfolded in the second chapter of her life and there is so much context she fears would need to be explained there. it has to happen now, because look what befalls them when it doesn't, but she still needs a moment to find the right words. and fills that space with: )
A lot of little pieces of information slip through the cracks in the name of efficiency, don't they? But I'm glad that when you and Bellamy got to talk, it wasn't about desperate science experiments.
[that is a whole lot of words that really just leaves octavia to conclude what she already suspected before they even began this conversation] You know you're only proving my point on how I had no way of knowing, right?
I mean you had what— two whole years in your last interdimensional kidnapping to figure it out and know the nightblood did work so don't give me your bullshit excuses on how you didn't realize I had no idea.
( how many times can anime style aggravation marks appear in one single conversation? regardless, the frustration of this entire conversation forms a metaphorical blade that's currently slide beneath clarke's skull and she can feel the beginnings of a headache coming on. this is complicated. )
For the first, like, six months of those two years, I still didn't know it'd worked. I thought I'd died in Praimfaya. And then I thought I'd never see any of you guys again, so I didn't exactly plot out how to have this sort of conversation, okay?
I am not trying to keep things from you, Octavia. I just don't know where to start.
[octavia listens and just lets out a sigh, sounding a little exasperated. she does understand in the sense that two years is a long time but what makes her pause is when clarke mentions thinking she died in praimfaya but she holds onto her questions about for now ] I get it. I know two years is a lot to go over but you could have started with that, you know— or anything really, instead of acting like you didn't realize it was something I had no idea about.
I'm not saying you did it on purpose either. [ if she believed that she would have not bothered with reaching out to clarke, everything that had been done on purpose was caused by her double ] I'm more annoyed with how I found out and everything else that happened that could have been avoided.
( take a deep breath, clarke. are you really frustrated with octavia, with this conversation, with the idea of spilling all? or are you really just mad with yourself — "yourself", that disgustingly efficient alternative version that somehow managed to put murder plots into motion within a day of setting boots on the ground? the one who'd dragged all your friends into this mess, planted seeds that would torment them further down the line, and really emphasized your capacity to be monstrous?
calm down. calm down.
she exhales loudly, directly into the comm. and when speaking again, it's with a forced calm and a sense of resignation. )
I have time now, though. Since they're both dead. Is there anything specific you want to know about? Otherwise I can just talk.
[octavia finds herself satisfied with that response at least so it does temper her anger slightly while she considers what to ask] I want to know what you meant with your nightblood and why you thought you died in Praimfaya but other than that, you can just talk— doesn't have to be everything for this one conversation.
Your double only told me your interdimensional kidnapping involved being on a ship or something and that you have a couple friends from there that also ended up here.
( clarke foregoes sighing this time, just bites the inside of her own cheek to the point she can taste copper tinged saliva rolling across the side of her tongue. well, at least it's a relatively linear story. )
Well, like I said. We tried to test it, and I got sick. We figured it didn't work.
You already know we made it to Becca's lab and found Raven, and that there was no way to get back to the bunker in time. Next best thing was going back up to the Go-Sci Ring, but rocket repairs didn't go smoothly. We lost the communication system, which was necessary to make it into port. But you know Raven, she has a fix and a countermeasure fix for everything. We just had to hook a circuit to a transmission tower, similar to how A.L.I.E. transmitted herself up onto the Ark. Bellamy and I were going to do it together, but Monty collapsed and he needed to go get him so I went by myself. And things just... ( continued to go as wrong as humanly possible, to the point of climbing all the way up to the dish at the top of the tower and screaming in frustration. )
I did my best to get it working. But there was no time to get back. I watched the others take off, I saw them leave the atmosphere — ( without me ) — and that was all that mattered in the moment. Then I just... ran.
( a hollow imitation of a laugh bubbles up here. because it's ridiculous, right? maybe even cowardly. in that moment clarke had been sure she was going to die, but was lost in the face of base survival instincts and still chose to run like she'd had a chance if she could just find somewhere. )
Not like you can outrun a wall of fire, though. Last thing I remember was burning from the inside out and choking on my own blood on the floor of the lab.
...And then I woke up on a cruise ship. Which is, like, a very fancy old world boat. Biggest I've ever seen. People used to go on months long adventures on them, and they provided everything necessary. Like a roaming little city on the water. It was called the Serena Eterna, and for a while I figured this is what hell actually looked like because it was bad there, Octavia.
[octavia already knew the explanation would be a lot, given how clarke didn't know how to begin but she listens and in hearing her out and does find herself both a little surprised and understanding why it was difficult for her to talk about especially since she was left behind] Wait, so you didn't make it to the Ring? So that's what you meant when you said you thought you died.
That means all this time, if you didn't end up on that ship and you were back home, you survived because the nightblood worked but you would have been on your own, right?
I would think being in any other place would be a better alternative. What was so bad about the ship that you thought was it like hell? Did it have stuff similar to what we're dealing with here?
( octavia is incredibly smart, if not simultaneously bone headedly stubborn at times. clarke knew she'd understand almost immediately, so why doesn't the knot of tension in her chest completely begin to unravel?
right, because there's still so much more — a divestment from their shared history, into something completely foreign that she has no idea how she ever acclimated to.
gravely, with the utmost seriousness: ) I'd rather have been alone on Earth for five years.
This city runs on advanced technology past anything we ever could have imagined, and we're slated to be the "saviors of our universes". The Eterna ran on magic, and the ship didn't have an engine. It was fueled by the passengers pain, suffering, and deaths. That was the only reason we were brought there, to act as coal. ( clarke sighs hard, air forced out over gravel that seems to have taken up residence in the back of her throat. ) I died at least four times before this most recent one, Octavia. It's nothing new to me, but it hurt. Every. Single. Time.
[from her initial assumption of how being elsewhere would be better, it speaks volumes that clarke would have preferred being alone. she listens, taking it all in and the explanation that follow only leads her to think they are both options just really suck because whether it was the ship or being alone, the pain and suffering is a constant just with different circumstances. she does think that the latter does have a slight silver lining to it though] You made friends there though, right? Like the two that your double mentioned came here with, so it can't have been all that bad.
[it is the next part about death and how clarke mentions she's been through this before comes as a surprise to her, not just once but at least four times. octavia remembers being so baffled at how the other girl had been acting like it was normal from their conversation a few weeks ago when she'd almost killed her but now it was slowly starting to make sense to her. technically it probably was normal for her but octavia can't help but frown and be annoyed at same time at how she sounds so resigned with that statement] At least four times before? Just because it's nothing new and you've been through it before, does that really make it okay?
Yes, I made friends. And I watched them die, or get possessed, or brainwashed, or thrown from moving vehicles, or tormented, or blown to bits, or have their limbs burnt off.
( actually, when she says it aloud, life on the serena eterna doesn't not emulate life back on earth. it does not feel like she's doing a particularly good job impressing on octavia just how bad life on the ship had been, so in one last ditch effort clarke tacks on: )
All while the majority of the passengers were telling us we should be grateful for the experience, or appreciate the amenities provided.
And no, it's not okay. When death has no meaning, life has no worth. ( this isn't exactly in line with what lincoln had been talking about all those years ago, but it'd stuck with clarke. resonated, reformed, grown with her; taken on a whole new meaning, and gives some semblance of acknowledgement to how violating it was to be reformed and made whole while unconscious and unaware. )
But it's the mechanic we had to adjust to back then. And seems to have carried over to here.
Some of that doesn't sound too different from what've had to deal with since being on Earth— but yeah if they want you to be grateful for all that at the expense of all what you had to go through, I get it— that's bullshit. [it was on default she would pick literally the alternative to what they've been dealing with on the ground and just being in the bunker having to deal with all that entailed but she can understand how bad it was for clarke through her explanations at least.
octavia was more focused on the part about clarke having died multiple times though and just being so nonchalant about but even the response just makes her sigh in frustration]
Really? Because it sure as hell doesn't seem that way. At least act like it matters then instead of being so casual about it especially when people are worried about you. [people like her but despite her harsh tone, it speaks volumes that she was actually concerned]
( on the one hand, it's relieving — validating, no fucking vindicating — to hear octavia's very reasonable horror on the other end of the line. on the other, it's an odd sort of embarrassing. clarke does not want to be fussed over, that just drags the blade over the gnarled scar tissue she'd already decided to leave in the past. it's uncomfortable, it makes her squirm, but at least this conversation is happening over a simple radio communication. the other girl doesn't need to see the various ways she melts and sags and drags herself up to reform in order to carry on the conversation. )
You don't need to worry about me, Octavia. I'll be fine.
( always am. )
There's no changing what's already passed. I just want to focus on saving our world now.
[octavia immediately frowns at the response with her concern being called out like that probably because it is a bit foreign for her lately when it comes to clarke but this mission impacted her in a way she didn't anticipate] Who said I was worried? I meant people like with your other friends or like my brother if he was here.
[did she mention bellamy as a deflection so that she wouldn't have to admit to being concerned? absolutely. she lets out a sigh before she continues on with her point ] You can say you're fine all you want— I don't care if it is in the past or whatever, I'm just saying don't be an idiot about it.
[ Ping! Suddenly you receive a photo of.. a piece of paper with text on it? Apparently someone wanted to send you something, but didn't want to bother finding out where everyone lives..
It's a photo of a card that has text on it in perfect yet somehow also still legible calligraphy. It looks ridiculously fancy for what's written on it, which is-- ]
You are hereby cordially invited to:
ADAINE AND FABIAN'S BREATHTAKING BIRTHDAY BASH!
It will be held today, June 3rd, in the rec room of the apartment building. Presents are not necessary, but a good attitude is most definitely required! There will be drinks, dancing and general merriment, because we all deserve something good after that labyrinth!
Trust me - it will be the party of the century here, and you DO NOT want to miss it!
- Fabian Aramais Seacaster
P.S. If you do not know my good friend Adaine yet, make sure to get to know her at the party. She is an absolute delight, and I want her to have the best birthday party possible!
P.P.S. This is the ideal way to make up for almost drowning me, by the way. Just saying.
[ For all characters who would attend, there is a log right over here! ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
voice; un: blake (backdated to mid doppel mission)
it turns out that almost killing your friend is a lot just like it is with actually killing their doppelganger. it's something octavia initially didn't think would affect her, she had rationalized that with these doubles being fake that it was totally okay to kill them but from recent events, it did take an emotional toll on her which was more than she really expected and she absolutely hates having to deal with these feelings. she needs to contact clarke anyway about having taken care of her double so from the moment she does, it's pretty obvious from her tone what her mood is ] You're an idiot.
Is there more you decided not to tell me that could helped avoid all of this? I can't believe I had to learn some of it from your double— who you don't have to worry about anymore, by the way.
no subject
It's done? ( business first. and another exhale, this time audible and a sigh of relief. ) Thank you, Octavia. I found yours yesterday, the black marks on your arm should be fading now.
And I'm sorry. It wasn't like I purposefully chose to keep you in the dark, I just — I didn't know you didn't know. And nightblood doesn't matter here; there are no clans, and no impending nuclear event — ( ... ) — for now.
no subject
You're still an idiot though because actually it kind of did matter here. You died and your double took advantage of it in convincing me to kill you because I didn't know about your blood. [it's hard to tell who or what she is angry at with her words: herself, clarke and her doppelganger, or maybe she's angry on clarke's behalf on this too]
I knew that you injected yourself with nightblood but seriously at what point with everything that was going on back home was I supposed to have known it worked?
no subject
We didn't think it did. We were attacked on our way to get Raven, you know that part I'm sure. Emori's suit was compromised, ripped at the neck seal. She started to cough up blood and I figured... ( there is the slightest pause, and then a mild huff that could almost pass as a laugh. if gallows humor felt particularly appropriate in this moment, so shortly after what they'd both just done. ) Good a time as any to test if the nightblood worked. But then I got sick too.
( another pause, as clarke grapples with how to finish this story. because she knows the nightblood works now, but only because of events that unfolded in the second chapter of her life and there is so much context she fears would need to be explained there. it has to happen now, because look what befalls them when it doesn't, but she still needs a moment to find the right words. and fills that space with: )
A lot of little pieces of information slip through the cracks in the name of efficiency, don't they? But I'm glad that when you and Bellamy got to talk, it wasn't about desperate science experiments.
no subject
I mean you had what— two whole years in your last interdimensional kidnapping to figure it out and know the nightblood did work so don't give me your bullshit excuses on how you didn't realize I had no idea.
no subject
Yes, I know, I just —
( how many times can anime style aggravation marks appear in one single conversation? regardless, the frustration of this entire conversation forms a metaphorical blade that's currently slide beneath clarke's skull and she can feel the beginnings of a headache coming on. this is complicated. )
For the first, like, six months of those two years, I still didn't know it'd worked. I thought I'd died in Praimfaya. And then I thought I'd never see any of you guys again, so I didn't exactly plot out how to have this sort of conversation, okay?
I am not trying to keep things from you, Octavia. I just don't know where to start.
no subject
I'm not saying you did it on purpose either. [ if she believed that she would have not bothered with reaching out to clarke, everything that had been done on purpose was caused by her double ] I'm more annoyed with how I found out and everything else that happened that could have been avoided.
no subject
( take a deep breath, clarke. are you really frustrated with octavia, with this conversation, with the idea of spilling all? or are you really just mad with yourself — "yourself", that disgustingly efficient alternative version that somehow managed to put murder plots into motion within a day of setting boots on the ground? the one who'd dragged all your friends into this mess, planted seeds that would torment them further down the line, and really emphasized your capacity to be monstrous?
calm down. calm down.
she exhales loudly, directly into the comm. and when speaking again, it's with a forced calm and a sense of resignation. )
I have time now, though. Since they're both dead. Is there anything specific you want to know about? Otherwise I can just talk.
no subject
Your double only told me your interdimensional kidnapping involved being on a ship or something and that you have a couple friends from there that also ended up here.
no subject
Well, like I said. We tried to test it, and I got sick. We figured it didn't work.
You already know we made it to Becca's lab and found Raven, and that there was no way to get back to the bunker in time. Next best thing was going back up to the Go-Sci Ring, but rocket repairs didn't go smoothly. We lost the communication system, which was necessary to make it into port. But you know Raven, she has a fix and a countermeasure fix for everything. We just had to hook a circuit to a transmission tower, similar to how A.L.I.E. transmitted herself up onto the Ark. Bellamy and I were going to do it together, but Monty collapsed and he needed to go get him so I went by myself. And things just... ( continued to go as wrong as humanly possible, to the point of climbing all the way up to the dish at the top of the tower and screaming in frustration. )
I did my best to get it working. But there was no time to get back. I watched the others take off, I saw them leave the atmosphere — ( without me ) — and that was all that mattered in the moment. Then I just... ran.
( a hollow imitation of a laugh bubbles up here. because it's ridiculous, right? maybe even cowardly. in that moment clarke had been sure she was going to die, but was lost in the face of base survival instincts and still chose to run like she'd had a chance if she could just find somewhere. )
Not like you can outrun a wall of fire, though. Last thing I remember was burning from the inside out and choking on my own blood on the floor of the lab.
...And then I woke up on a cruise ship. Which is, like, a very fancy old world boat. Biggest I've ever seen. People used to go on months long adventures on them, and they provided everything necessary. Like a roaming little city on the water. It was called the Serena Eterna, and for a while I figured this is what hell actually looked like because it was bad there, Octavia.
no subject
That means all this time, if you didn't end up on that ship and you were back home, you survived because the nightblood worked but you would have been on your own, right?
I would think being in any other place would be a better alternative. What was so bad about the ship that you thought was it like hell? Did it have stuff similar to what we're dealing with here?
no subject
right, because there's still so much more — a divestment from their shared history, into something completely foreign that she has no idea how she ever acclimated to.
gravely, with the utmost seriousness: ) I'd rather have been alone on Earth for five years.
This city runs on advanced technology past anything we ever could have imagined, and we're slated to be the "saviors of our universes". The Eterna ran on magic, and the ship didn't have an engine. It was fueled by the passengers pain, suffering, and deaths. That was the only reason we were brought there, to act as coal. ( clarke sighs hard, air forced out over gravel that seems to have taken up residence in the back of her throat. ) I died at least four times before this most recent one, Octavia. It's nothing new to me, but it hurt. Every. Single. Time.
no subject
[it is the next part about death and how clarke mentions she's been through this before comes as a surprise to her, not just once but at least four times. octavia remembers being so baffled at how the other girl had been acting like it was normal from their conversation a few weeks ago when she'd almost killed her but now it was slowly starting to make sense to her. technically it probably was normal for her but octavia can't help but frown and be annoyed at same time at how she sounds so resigned with that statement] At least four times before? Just because it's nothing new and you've been through it before, does that really make it okay?
no subject
( actually, when she says it aloud, life on the serena eterna doesn't not emulate life back on earth. it does not feel like she's doing a particularly good job impressing on octavia just how bad life on the ship had been, so in one last ditch effort clarke tacks on: )
All while the majority of the passengers were telling us we should be grateful for the experience, or appreciate the amenities provided.
And no, it's not okay. When death has no meaning, life has no worth. ( this isn't exactly in line with what lincoln had been talking about all those years ago, but it'd stuck with clarke. resonated, reformed, grown with her; taken on a whole new meaning, and gives some semblance of acknowledgement to how violating it was to be reformed and made whole while unconscious and unaware. )
But it's the mechanic we had to adjust to back then. And seems to have carried over to here.
no subject
octavia was more focused on the part about clarke having died multiple times though and just being so nonchalant about but even the response just makes her sigh in frustration]
Really? Because it sure as hell doesn't seem that way. At least act like it matters then instead of being so casual about it especially when people are worried about you. [people like her but despite her harsh tone, it speaks volumes that she was actually concerned]
no subject
You don't need to worry about me, Octavia. I'll be fine.
( always am. )
There's no changing what's already passed. I just want to focus on saving our world now.
no subject
[did she mention bellamy as a deflection so that she wouldn't have to admit to being concerned? absolutely. she lets out a sigh before she continues on with her point ] You can say you're fine all you want— I don't care if it is in the past or whatever, I'm just saying don't be an idiot about it.
photo;
It's a photo of a card that has text on it in perfect yet somehow also still legible calligraphy. It looks ridiculously fancy for what's written on it, which is-- ]
You are hereby cordially invited to:
ADAINE AND FABIAN'S BREATHTAKING BIRTHDAY BASH!
It will be held today, June 3rd, in the rec room of the apartment building. Presents are not necessary, but a good attitude is most definitely required! There will be drinks, dancing and general merriment, because we all deserve something good after that labyrinth!
Trust me - it will be the party of the century here, and you DO NOT want to miss it!
- Fabian Aramais Seacaster
P.S. If you do not know my good friend Adaine yet, make sure to get to know her at the party. She is an absolute delight, and I want her to have the best birthday party possible!
P.P.S. This is the ideal way to make up for almost drowning me, by the way. Just saying.
[ For all characters who would attend, there is a log right over here! ]
no subject
...of course now she has to go. )